This isn’t the post I sat down to write. I was either going to write about pennames or nostalgia but I promised myself that I would always be honest and up-front here and this is something that has really been on my mind lately.
In Boston, I felt poor and small-town. At Pitt, I feel like I’m missing out on so much of my life. I have friends and family and people that love me that I love back but I don’t think I’ve ever been completely in tune with a single one of them. There has always been something just slightly off. I can never fix that.
This issue does not just happen with people. It’s places, too. Did I love Boston? More than I can explain. Do I love Pittsburgh? It is my first home, and hopefully will be my last home. Do I feel like I completely belong in either one? No. Not now, at least.
I feel so unsettled. Scratch that – I feel like I’m settling and I honestly don’t know what to do. Do I transfer again? That would be horrific. Do I stay? Sometimes I can’t fathom going through every day like this. I work so hard and I feel like I’m in a position where I can’t make anything of myself in the future. I’m going to school and in three years I will have a piece of paper. That’s it. What does that mean? What will I do with it?
I wish that there was some way that I could know if I am where I’m supposed to be. Honestly, I wish that a divine power would point me in the right direction. Is it normal to be this confused? Is this what adulthood really is?
It’s hard for me to say if I would be happy somewhere else. I think that my generation has been raised to feel like floating garbage. I’m disposable. If I fall, someone else will take my place. The collegiate system in our country focuses so much on numbers and so little on individuals. Who am I as a person? Will I find out in my undergrad years? I hope that I do, but how will I even know? I’m so torn here. I’m in love with places that I’ve never seen. With my whole heart, I miss places that I’ve never been to.
I always thought I would be one of those people who walked onto a college campus and felt like I belonged there. Well, surprise surprise, I’m not. I feel displaced.