The song is included because it pretty much states how I feel right now. Listen to it while reading for the full effect.
When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would write about difficult topics. Not things that are hard to read, per se, but that are painful for me to write. This is one of those topics that I almost rejected because it was too personal. Then again, “Jellyfish” is a very personal essay as well, so this is fair game.
Besides, writing makes me feel better. I want to write through this.
Break-ups are hard. Even the most insignificant relationship carries emotional value, some more than others. Sometimes a relationship can just feel so right and fall apart in the matter of hours.
Of course, not all break-ups are equal. There’s a defined difference in breaking up with your middle school boyfriend of three weeks and your fiancée of two years. That being said, shorter relationships can carry more value than longer ones.
I know that my relationship with M meant a lot to me. It was my first real adult relationship, you know? We lived away from home, we made our own schedules, we had real-life obligations. He was the first person that made me realize that I really could choose my own path in life.
M and I didn’t break up out of convenience. We tried long distance for months and it just didn’t work. For me, I wanted to preserve the good feelings between us. Above all, I hope that he still knows I am here to support him whenever he needs.
Can a relationship end because of caring too much? I think so. There comes a point where you have to take your well-being into consideration. We were just at different places in our lives. He lives four hundred miles away and being long distance for over a year wasn’t part of our original plan. People change, for better and for worse. That doesn’t make them mean less.
It is bittersweet knowing that we ended the relationship on a good page. On one hand, we ended the relationship and it hurts a lot more than I thought it would. I was prepared for this one. We had discussed it in advance. But that doesn’t make it sting any less that I won’t be flying up the East Coast to see him this fall or watching stupid movies with him over Skype or bragging to my friends about this wonderful person who cares about me just as much as I care about him.
On the other hand, I still have a wonderful person in my life. I don’t have to lose him because we are no longer together. If I feel terrible about classes, I can still text him. I can support him through his own struggles. We will both move on, yet we can stay in each other’s lives.
Do I still think of him romantically? Yes. I miss him all the time. I wish things didn’t have to end this way, that I didn’t have to start all over (Not that I’m dating. Trust me, it’ll be a while.) I’m frustrated because I do care about him still, very much, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about our current situation. So instead of dissolving into constantly arguing about things we couldn’t change, we broke up.
We’re going our separate paths. I hope they cross again someday, but for now I am happy that we can support each other in separation instead of destroying each other through togetherness.